Not so Killer Killzone 2

I’ve found the missing link between man and ape, and its name is Killzone 2.

Now before the raging/trolling/flaming happens, I wish to have the disclaimer that I’m judging my experience based upon factual things I can point to.  If I delve into much opinion, I hope to give you a heads-up beforehand.

Apes.  Apes is the best description of the characters in KZ2, if looking at both their graphical representations and their motives.  The heavy-browed, frowned-faced, waddling Neanderthals would be some of the ugliest humans around.  Forever in the expression I like to call, “forcing the turtle out,” the protagonists of KZ2 never convey a more complex series of emotions than arrogance and pissed-off.  For a title of this console generation, the lack-luster look (not to mention an absence of speaking animations; it’s creepy as all get-out to have someone grunt at you and see only their doll eyes coming back at you) is almost disrespectful.

Remember your favorite action figure?  Remember the plastic gun it came with?  Well, that nostalgia is brought back in Killzone 2’s armory!  No, not the fun times and imaginative play; what I’m talking about is the cheap plastic fakery behind it all, with little substance in the product as-is.  The guns are just pathetic.  There seems to be such little power behind every shot that you worry if they’ll break if you play with them too hard.  There are some cannons that fill in the rush from rifled fire (aka Electricity Gun – cook a fascist like a home barbeque!), but these weapons don’t see the light-of-day nearly enough to justify the weak nature of standard firearms.

What do apes care about?  They seem to care about food, sex, being more alpha than the next stinking primate, and testosterone.   What do the characters in Killzone 2 care about?  They care about resources (food), lusty scientists (guess), showing their bros whose more bro (alpha), and large, flashy explosions.  Are you getting the connection?  The stories of the game’s individuals would get a serious boost if only they were as deep as the person’s brow.  It isn’t the most cliché performance ever, but KZ2 certainly seems to not be trying to hard not to be.

Killzone 2 seems like it should have a lot going for it; large backstory, valiant techno-savvy heroes, and a planet full of freaky-fascists to wield unending justice on, at the end of a bullet-hose.  But alas, some things cannot come together, no matter how destined they were to workout.  KZ2 was an interesting play, but a return is not going to happen from me.